so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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