I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
