Don't make out with my wife yet
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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