I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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