I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
