sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
