They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
