My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
