my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
