I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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