her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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