i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
