Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
