I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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