Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
