why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize