I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I looked at my own cervix.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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