I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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