Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
