You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
