Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
did i walk over a car last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
