She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
