If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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