I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
