Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
