i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
