If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
