I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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