my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
