Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
