Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
