Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
