The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
