he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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