Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I did not marry a roomba.
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