70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
