Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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