Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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