Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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