I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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