why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
