For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
