Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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