glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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