I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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