nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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