when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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