This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
