whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
