I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro