it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper