A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots