i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
