NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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