A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
