I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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