I'm drive I can fine osifer
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
