I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
