just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
