i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
